Corabela's Apron Adventures

Failed Attempts Result In New Beginnings

2010-05-31T11:57:00.000-04:00

Well, for whatever reason, this blog along with the 2 others just didn't blossom in the way I envisioned them. It's certainly due to my lack of writing and blog reading but I why I didn't do either of those, I can't really say. I suppose I felt too boxed in...limited to writing only about certain things, meant for certain people. While it was all probably just in my head, I suppose I needed a failure of that sort to push me towards a more complete picture of what I wanted.

So I'm abandoning ship! And rebuilding with my whole, entirety in mind. I can't be just a girl who likes to stay home and sew and bake and make and grow. I can't be just an edgy visionary who occasionally spurts deep thoughts that no one else gets. And I can't just show you my favorite pics or tell you about all my latest projects which would be totally boring.

Everything revolves around love. The yearning for it, the noticing of it, the feeling of it, and the blossoming of it. It has become the rosy light that drenches all I see so "Love Stirred Their Hearts..." is now where it's at. I'm sure you'll find all manner of photographs, thoughts, and links there eventually. I want to leave blame and judging and complaining and needing and bitterness in the dust. I want to embrace the bright and shiny future. So here I go...

Home sick

2010-04-02T11:04:00.000-04:00

I try to avoid getting sick on Fridays or Mondays, lest I appear to be a faker or a slacker for the sake of the epic "3 Day Weekend". But there's no denying that yesterday's sickness hit me hard and I would have only been miserable driving around for work today with the windows down. (No a/c and it's hot...wind up the nose with a sinus infection is painful.) So here I am...getting a lovely taste of my life 2 weeks from now when my employment will be over. Well, with one difference...this nasty cold. That better not be around 2 weeks from now.

So this morning I sat in the sun and drank tea and read Memoirs of a Geisha that I picked up at last weekend's clothing swap. I'm going to make myself some chicken soup and take a nap on my hammock later in the sunshine...hopefully catching lots of healing rays of sunshine.

I've been kept from my real life for so long now, it seems, that I'm dreaming up way too many things for myself to do once I have my time and my life back. Make aprons and soap and aftershave and lemon verbena cologne and bookmarks and bread and cheese and yogurt and plant about 1800 vegetables in the garden and about 2000 kinds of flowers and go morel hunting and make jam from foraged flowers and grow hops for beer and so on and so forth. It goes on...and on....and on. I think this will maybe not be so good for me. I think I should probably relax a little. But the world demands action! Things with my rental house are going on that I have to deal with...things with my soap-making business...and I want to sell at farmers markets. I must take action to accomplish things. But how many things can I accomplish and at what cost? This kind of crazy life is contrary to my values so what slips by, slips by. And c'est la vie. Those things were never meant to be stressful anyway. I want to savor my life like a good meal or a warm spring day.

Speaking of which...

sniffle

Oh...and speaking of sniffle...my Mom and Step-Dad finally left on Tuesday. : ( They're off to their little house in south Dakota for good. We're dog-sitting Cinnamon until next Thursday when my Step-Dad will be back to pick her up along with the last load of their stuff. I don't know how or when but I will be braving the prairie to go see them this summer. And hopefully see some of the Little House On The Prairie landmarks and houses along with Deadwood.

I miss my Mom.

Countdown To Sunny Mornings In The Garden

2010-03-25T19:43:00.000-04:00

Exactly 21 days from today I will once again be free to live real life. No more dressing up in stiff suits and painful heels, day in and day out. For 5 months I will wear blue jeans and t-shirts...ballet slippers and flip flops. I will wake up and leisurely sip tea in the sunshine on the back porch. I will make my own bread again. I will fall asleep in the hammock whenever I want. I will finally clean my refrigerator for the first time since I started working in December and I will stretch myself into yoga positions I haven't done in four months. I'll wander around in the woods, hunting morels and picking forest violets for jelly. And my family will finally start eating dinner before 9 o'clock every night. I'll catch up with friends and family I haven't had time to speak to and I'll spend every Saturday selling at the Farmers Market and meeting cool people. I'll be a sewing fool and make more pretty aprons than I know what to do with. I'll make a new soap each week.S And maybe just maybe, Brendan and I will have time to post something on our food blog. : ) I can't wait.

Mr. Blue Sky

2010-03-07T14:52:00.000-05:00

Several good things have been going on this weekend. First, this....

We made some serious changes upstairs and switched the office to the studio and the studio to the office. I was sick and tired of being crammed into that little back room. Now I have space to work! I also cleaned out 3 years worth of paperwork from the filing cabinets and decided I don't want to look at filing cabinets anymore. I put them attic. Sure, I'll have to do my filing in the attic, but who cares. I can't stand to look at them. They represent general pain-in-the-ass-ery to me. Stress, money, mortgages, bills, debts, etc. Who needs it?

Also, my Mom and Step-Dad returned from a trip to New Jersey bearing gifts. Real New Jersey bagels. And goodies from the Jewish bakery, the likes of which are nowhere to be found anywhere in central Ohio. And since Mom is packing up and heading out to South Dakota to live in her very first paid-for-debt-free house (which happens to be 680 sq. ft.) she also let me adopt about 6 of her house plants.

After returning her dog...Cinnamon Bun whom we occasionally dog-sit while they're out of town...we returned home with all our goodies and I headed outside with the cats to take advantage of this warm sunlight we're getting that's finally melting the snow cover. I found the Hardy Amaryllis coming up.

Some tulips

The irises

And then I found a few things still alive in the garden. The strawberry patch is doing well...

And last year's parsley seems like it might actually come back this year. It seems to have been the winter home of about 8000 spiders because they were everywhere, sunning themselves.

I also found the chard looking hopeful

And some forgotten scallions.

It looks like we also have some field sow thistle in bloom

And some unwanted visitors.

The hostas and the peonies will be popping up soon...about 3 or 4 more weeks.

As I was enjoying that sweet, long-lost feeling of the sun warming my back, I listened to all the birds singing and pondered for the first time, the transformation that occurs in my mind when I start to hear the spring songs of birds. My mind is more hopeful...serene. Engaged. Less worrisome. Those cold, silent winter days have their own feeling...their own vibe that feels like drawing in and being still.

It seems to me at times, that the whole world lives and dies just for our sake...our love and our growth. It feels like the meaning of life to me in the most incomprehensible and incredibly ineffable of ways. It's a knowledge that happens on the level of the heart...not the intellect. And it's like being in love...if you're not sure, you think you might be but if you really are, you know it with every fiber of your being.

And already...I know this year will be better than last. My garden will be even lusher, my wisdom will blossom. I'll find new connections, new money, new joy. The older things...the worries about selling the house, the worries about money...they'll just phase out. It's time for more and better and finally and abundance, all lumped together with peacefulness.

And now...I'm going to thumb through my many garden catalogs and start ordering all the supplies. We're getting one of those composters that turns this year. We have plans for chickens eventually so that's part of the plan to deal with the manure. We're doing corn this year, and cucumbers, lettuce, jerusalem artichokes, celery, beets, kale, radishes, peppers, and of course tomatoes. Maybe green beans and hopefully a spaghetti squash if I can figure out where! I also have an avocado tree shooting up indoors. I'm trying to decide on what kind of fruit tree to plant in the front yard. Cherry? Quince? Maybe elderberry?

Today's Favorite

2010-03-03T18:35:00.000-05:00

I have too many photos that I love just cluttering up my hard drive, being seen by no one. I should start sharing.

As my poetic heart struggles under the weight of job distraction...

2010-03-02T08:20:00.000-05:00

It's time to let go of notions of poor

And it's time to let go of these ghosts.

The Mourning Dove calls -

It's time to let them die,

And let go of winter in one

last, long sigh...

And to think...

2010-03-01T07:51:00.000-05:00

Just want to share my "Note From The Universe" that I found in my inbox this morning...

Talk about magical rendezvous, Laura...

Right this very moment, on a distant farm, there basks a fig, a nut, or a berry, whose very life force will soon be your own. But that's not all...

Right this very moment, there's a gorgeous home on a splendid property with a spectacular view, whose roof will someday give you shelter. But that's not all...

Right this very moment, there are beautiful souls on your beautiful planet, whom you do not even know, yet through your meanderings and theirs, paths will cross, love will be shared, and eternal friendships will be created. I'm still not done...

And nothing you do, or don't do, can prevent these serendipities I've just shared, and so, so many more.
Amen, hallelujah, rock me Amadeus -
The Universe

Saturday Morning's Are Beautiful

2010-02-27T12:28:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke up early, started some Blueberry Cardamom Crisp in the iron skillet, and then braved the snow and went with my mother to our friend Anita's house. We did some Qi Gong and Anita shared some of her fabric collection with me. We poked around in her feng shui books for awhile and then my mom and I came back to my house and ate the delicious Blueberry Crisp. I drank some yerba mate and now I'm watching Christine Cooks Naturally on pbs. Can all my mornings be like this please?

There are however, mountains of laundry to do this afternoon, as well as some Lavender Lime soap to be made. I'd also really love to get this food blog started. My husband and I have been daydreaming about it for days.

In which she gets totally esoteric and out of hand...

2010-02-25T09:52:00.000-05:00

Things are weird lately. Ever since I saw the Bald Eagle flying straight towards me, there has been some kind of eerie flux taking place. I make sense of life by organizing but this random list is the best I can do right now...

I'm taking the day off for personal reasons and I feel guilty. As in genuine, "I really shouldn't be absent at such a critical time...my absence will leave holes in the success of my company." This is strange to me. It implies I care about my work. This has never happened before.
I no longer feel trapped. But this bothers me. I feel I've been distracted from the things I want out of life because I'm focused on working. But I don't feel trapped by working. This is quite contrary and confusing.
I think I've had my first girl crush on someone who's incredibly funny who also happens to be pretty. This has never happened before either.
I'm not allowed to sell my soap at the Mount Vernon Farmers Market. How stupid is that? There are other markets...they're just farther away. But I felt like I was entitled to have everything finally start going my way. So what gives?
I'm feeling wildly, ravenously hungry for something. But I don't know what that something is. And it's not food.
I am grateful and smug at the same time. These two things are not harmonious together.

What the hell is going on??????

So about the eagle...

A primer for anyone who doesn't know about my shamanistic tendencies. Native Americans, as well as other primitive cultures who were more connected to the natural cycles of the earth, knew that different animals embodied different wisdom. They used the stories and myths of these animals, as well as the concepts of these animals to develop themselves spiritually. They were children of the Earth and when God spoke to them, he did so through his creations. This makes sense that a loving God would communicate with you in a way you would recognize. And primitive cultures knew God only through his creations. The invention of religion hadn't complicated their connection.

I learned about all this half a decade ago as I fought my inner demons and struggled to become more myself. I was having a hard time with God. Or should I say, with all the ideas I had about God as a result of my upbringing. And when I learned of Native American shamans connecting with spirit (or God) through animals...put very simply here for time's sake...it made sense to me. I was on a sinking ship...drowning in agony...waiting for some manifestation of God to reach out and acknowledge my miserable existence. But I didn't know what that would feel like, or how that would happen. Booming voices? Too scary. The voice of God in my head? Even scarier. Religion is and always was wasted on me. I don't have time for its pretenses and airs or its ridiculous ability to control people. So I was spiritually lost in a sea of drifting dead-ends. And then I learned of the concept of spirit animals.

Through that filter, I began to look at the terrifying giant wood spiders that invaded my house as a message saying "Although you are in a time of darkness now, use your talents to weave beautiful creations into existence, in the dark, so when the light finally arrives, the sun will rise and sparkle on the beauty you've created." And the skunks...there were so many skunks. One particular skunk even sprayed me. The skunks said "Demand respect! Stop feeling sorry for yourself!". And there was this one hummingbird that still makes me smile when I think of her.

So through this weird, crazy method, I got over my anger that the Universe or God or Spirit wasn't grabbing my hand and pulling me out of that sea of dead-ends. He'd been talking to me the whole time...I just hadn't known how to listen. So although the communication channels are wide open these days, I occasionally encounter an animal in a kind of in-my-face way that lets me know...'Hey Laura, you're being kind of dense lately. I've tried to talk to you about this one thing but you haven't been paying attention, so here...let's go back to the animals again. That always works."

So I was driving to work last Saturday and a Bald Eagle appeared, larger than life, looming over the treeline. As I continued driving and gaping in amazement...it flew straight towards me and passed over the car. A wonder in the most ordinary of circumstances. The Bald Eagle is an auspicious totem...a very serious one as well. Eagle medicine demands a lot, should you choose to accept it. For one, it demands creativity. Well that sounds easy enough. But then it also demands a healing role in the world. As in, a healing role similar to the way predators heal the ecosystem by picking off the weak and sick. (?? What do I do with that??) And then lastly, it demands a willingness to experience extremes in order to bring about great healing and change...alchemy. Add this extreme plus that extreme, mix with a spoon and get something completely different.

So you may be thinking..."But you only saw the eagle that once. That doesn't mean it's actually your totem animal." I've seen it twice now. The first time I saw it, I thought to myself "No...I must have imagined that. I'm sure it wasn't a Bald Eagle. They're way too rare for that." So I went home and looked up Eagle medicine in my handy book of animal totems and naively, thought "Wow...I would really like to use Eagle wisdom. It sounds really cool!" (Like all other difficult things I naively get myself into.) So I shrugged and sent a request out to the universe. "Hey Universe...if that was really a Bald Eagle like I think it was, do me a favor. Would you? I'm not actually sure that's what it really was and I don't want to start using this Eagle Medicine if it's not actually time for that. So if it really was an Eagle, let me see it again. Then I'll know for sure."

So that's that. And now everything is weird and I don't why.

I know what you're thinking. (She is completely loony.) Last night, as we were laying in bed, I started a conversation with Brendan about sacred sexuality and how I think it has some pretty serious creative potential, the likes of which the world has never seen. You know...aside from the screaming baby that can result. Which is part of it though. I went on and on about energy and harnessing it and directing it towards creation of not just another life, but of everything about that life and lives of the family...joy, success, intelligence, wisdom, hell...even as specific as winning the lottery if you want if that's a part of your detailed plan. Oh, I could go on and on about this and it might make more sense to you and then again, it might not. But last night, I suddenly became self-conscious and said "Sometimes I think I'm either really intelligent or really crazy. You think I'm totally loony, don't you?" He said "No, you're equally both." Smart man. : )

Anniversary Confessions and Gratitudes

2010-02-20T11:11:00.000-05:00

February 17th marked one whole year since I was fired from my job as a bank teller. That was an exceptional experience in my life...heart-wrenching, difficult, embarrassing, absurd, treacherous, panic-inducing, financially disastrous, and yet more importantly, relieving. In the immediate aftermath, I so wanted to be relieved but all the other shameful feelings just eclipsed anything that felt remotely good about the situation. But time lent me a little more relief. Of course I still felt guilty but then angry that I even felt guilty. I insulted the big I.T. man publicly on my blog (although not by name) and he got creative with the cut and paste, convinced my employers I was un-American (yes...that is really what happened), and took advantage of the fact that hearing officers in court know absolutely nothing about the way a blog works, let along technology, period. He twisted facts and and misrepresented the truth because of a bruised ego. He was out for my blood and he got it. It was a power trip. And that's why I was so crushed.

I passive aggressively hated that job more than anything. It was too easy, too boring, and I was surrounded by people hell-bent on being miserable about anything they could find to be miserable about. It made me miserable. And the life bled out of me. So why was I so crushed to be set free? Because my survival in this modern world depended solely on the whims of this bald little man with a phallic sounding last name. My ability to feed myself was in the hands of a company run by rich men that like to feel in charge. In fact, they were so full of themselves, they actually staffed their entire management team with more people just like them. There were exceptions, but for the most part, every person in a position of power seemed to really enjoy putting people down, picking out the negative aspects of any given situation, and relishing being right over making things right. We all know that type. Imagine working for a whole mini-gestapo of those. Imagine having your ability to pay your bills, put food on your table, and just eke by be in the hands of those douchebags.

So when they decided it would be joyful for them to destroy me and commenced to do just that, I knew I was powerless. And yes, understandably that was crushing. And I felt like a very small ant being burned under the magnifying glass by that sick bully who gets off on doing such things. What can you do to protect yourself when you're that small? When you don't have an army of lawyers and vaults of never-ending cash? Not a damn thing.

I've been reluctant to record any of this in a public forum because that company is exactly the sort to sue for public disparagement or some other such thing. And that bald little man has exactly the sort of personality that one year later, he's still trying to catch me using their name publicly in a derogatory way. But I won't do it. No one would have even heard of the company anyway. The point in airing all this out is because anniversaries are exactly for this sort of thing.

For a while, I didn't think I would ever be sane again. I didn't think anything would ever go my way again and I was deeply, deeply confused. See, I've always been lucky. I mean really lucky and that most certainly didn't seem lucky to me at all. My world no longer made sense to me. It was like everything I thought I was, I suddenly was not. That firing rocked me to the core. Just the word "firing" evokes visions of being burned at the stake like a damn witch. So every time something started to go right after that, I was afraid. I thought subconsciously, "I'm not lucky any more. Everything will appear to go right but then collapse at the last second just to pour salt in my wounds."

It's taken a very long time to recover from all that nonsense. Hell, a year has gone by. In that year, I've managed to get myself the most perfect job I ever could have asked for. It's temporary, for one, only until April 15th. It pays well. I make my own schedule. I'm forced to push out of my comfort zones. I've been spared boring routine...I do so many different things in so many different places. But the most important...my boss is NOT a micro-manager. In fact, my position was created this year. There was nothing in place to tell me what I needed to do and I was just tossed in there and told "go get 'em." Me being the independent person I am, jumped in, didn't ask for help unless I was really clueless, and made up my own rules as I went. And everyone I work with has supported me in this. Everyone has been uplifting, positive, supportive, and to top it off, interesting. I never thought I would say this about a job but, I really like my job. Sure it sucks that I have to go to work in a few hours and work until 10pm tonight but I'll do it without complaining too much because I feel free. If I'm sick, I can not show up and I'm not expected to offer any explanation. I am trusted. If I make a mistake, I will not be burned at the stake for it. I am compensated fairly and my coworkers are so busy with working, they don't have time to be negative. My confidence has been restored.

If you are a former co-worker of mine and you're reading this, feeling insulted, I'm sorry. Please realize, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about the general culture of the office...you have to admit...it's not a happy place. At least not when I was there.

My "new" job will be ending soon and I'll be in domestic bliss once again. : ) I have many projects in mind...farmers markets and more etsy shoppe-ing and writing books and gardening. I want to start organizing some events this year...seed swaps, clothes swaps, tea parties. We're coming up with a chicken-proposal for our neighbors and landlord for next year. I wanted to move out of town to have chickens but I don't want to wait anymore. I want them now! Things are so much different now then they were last year. At this time last year I was still pretty clueless about what was important to me. I was still at that "I just want to be happy" stage. If you've been there, you know what I mean. I didn't have a clue. All the adversity has really put me in my rightful place...in a good way. : )

I'm so glad I got fired. I'm so glad I was poor and had to get crafty about surviving. I'm so grateful for all those beautiful moments of grace that have restored my confidence in how my world works. I see that I never lost my luck at all. Getting fired was one of the luckiest things that ever happened to me. I nearly missed my calling in life, just sitting in a dead bank, going numb. Thank you Universe for bringing me here...exactly where I want to be.

Freedom To Create

2010-02-19T08:33:00.000-05:00

I've been wanting to write another blog for a couple weeks now and haven't had the time. The universe has been revealing my answers and things are settling down a bit in my head. However, I have an idea. It involves winning the MegaMillions and setting up a give-away fund for those who want freedom to create. It's going to happen.

Off to work...

I know what I want, and I want it NOW.

2010-01-31T11:23:00.000-05:00

So I'm enjoying my brief one-day repreive from the madness of peak tax season....

Enjoying my weekend coffee (it's only strong tea during the week, for me) and reading the latest issue, and my first issue of Where Women Create. Trying not to notice how none of these women ever mentioned anything about overcoming financial issues...they all must have been born with with a never-ending supply of money in their pockets to sustain them while they pursued the life of their dreams. But that's not how I want to do it anymore. Those thoughts keep me down and I know it. And how silly to read such an inspiring magazine only to be discouraged by money. Maybe there needs to be an inspiring magazine that features ordinary people that went from being trapped in unsatisfying jobs out of financial necessity to living the life of their dreams. ??? Anyone want to tackle that one?

So the other day, the Universe and I sat down to afternoon tea and had a heart to heart. I reminded the Universe that in the past, struggle was my teacher...that old bastard always had me coming out of adversity better than I imagined, usually newly free of some pesky baggage I didn't need anymore, but not before he literally beat the living snot out of me and had me groveling and wanting to die because I couldn't stand being so unhappy and powerless anymore. And so the pattern went, all my life, all the live-long day. So I said...very clearly...very explicitly..."I'm done with that pattern. That is not how I will learn anymore. I'm running out of time and it's no longer uselful to me. That way takes too long and leaves too many scars. We're going to do this a different way now. And here's my predicament that you're going to help me with...

This is what I desire in life, more than anything in the whole long stretch of eternal existence: 2 Things...For the rest of my life to be filled with as much free time as I need. Free time means time not taken up with working to make money so I can pay bills and eat and get by. Free time means time to raise a family, at home...not as a working mom, not as a distracted parent. I will devote myself to that with all my heart and my soul and I just can't do it any other way. It is the most important thing I will EVER DO. Free time means time to create a more self-reliant and self-sufficient lifestyle. Many people see that as a harder life...more work. But let me remind you universe...that's not how I see it at all. That is my passion! To spend hours outdoors with my hands in the dirt, surrounded by beautiful jewel-like flowers and vegetables fills me with contentment and joy. To forage for those elusive morels in the spring...gather pears and make pies in the fall. To experiment and make my own cheeses, my own yogurt, my own beer, my own bread, my own jams...this is what I want my life to be about. These things make me positively glow from the inside. Free time is time to make soap, to sew, to try different medias and learn painting and photography. And ultimately to share all of these things with others...these homespun creations, the know-how knowledge, and the forgotten truth that being rich in free-time, family, and connection with the natural cycles is real abundance. Being part of a like-minded, healthy community and helping to enrich impoverished lives...that would be the icing on the cake.

But my second request universe, is the means. Without the means, there is no way. And here is the sad travesty of how the modern world works...to acquire the means, we must work. To work, we must sacrifice the time to live the life I've outlined above. I can do none of that if I must work to get the means. So how's that for sad irony? What is the solution to this? I ask earnestly and sincerely. In fact, I'm demanding an answer. Resignation or waiting are not options at this point. I'm 30 years old. I don't have the time to wait anymore. It has to be now and I'm not taking no for an answer. I've had it with that old drag-me-through-the-dirt-then-teach-me-a-lesson pattern, like I said. From what I understand, the world has changed. The rules of engagement have changed. Our ability to create from our thoughts has been amplified and that is why I'm also changing the rules. No more tragedies, no more hard lessons, no more loss, no more fear, no more anxiety. I want what I've said I want and I know it so much more certainly than I've ever known anything before. Given the way the world works, it seems impossible. But I have faith in your infinitely wise orchestrating power. So please, bring me the solution to this dilemma. Drop it in my lap please, and make it easy.

It's finally time. I can feel it in my bones. The wind blew all day long yesterday...whipping snow into my face, touching each hair on my head with tiny little bolts of annoying electricity...and I wondered "If what I see in the natural environment is the manifested thoughts of God, then what does this wind mean?" And you answered me Universe. You told me it was telling me what was coming. And that's how I know it's time.

p.s. - Please be gentle.

The First Harbinger

2010-01-24T12:41:00.000-05:00

Last year on February 15th, Brendan and I hiked deep into the woods to try and shake off winter's oppressive weight. Cold air in our lungs...bare trees watching with imposing silence. We found two laughing streams, just on the other side of rise in the forest. So many animals had left their imprints in the soft mud of the bank...wild turkey tracks, heron tracks, skunk and racoon. As I knelt in the mud to examine, I found the most curious thing sprouting from the water. Most obviously a plant form, but it's identity was a mystery to me. It held its thick roots deep in the bed of the stream and yet reached up through icy water to splash through the surface with green and red spotted arms. We found more along the bank...out of the water's reach. The snow was melted in patches around these ancient-looking plant sentinels that seemed to command such unlikely presence in this spartan, winter forest. What are these giant, amphibious-looking sprouts that they can literally melt snow??

Further research done at home under a cozy blanket led me to skunk cabbage. Thermogenesis. An ancient dinosaur of a plant that grows deeper into the ground with each passing year, while its ability to generate heat makes it completely invincible to frost and freezing temperatures. This "plant" uses the same amount of metabolic energy as a hummingbird. And it begins visibly poking up through winter's blanket of ice and snow right around this time in a defiant harbinger of rebirth. I have loved this primordial plant from the moment I first reached down through the icy water and touched it. I've clutched it metaphorically to my chest as protection against the black, cold death of winter. "I will last through this death because I'm unstoppable", the sprouts whisper into the sleet.

Yesterday, at the height of my exhaustion, I thought of that hike, and I longed to see those sprouts again, whatever the cost to my energy. We mucked our way through a bog and finally arrived at that hushed place in the forest where those 2 streams laugh together all year...one a higher cascading pitch, the other a low mellow chortle. I found no paw prints...no turkey tracks this time. And no sign of sprouts. Just the decaying leaves and the frigid waters. "Too early" I thought. "Maybe next week." And I bent down at the water's edge to touch the current. Then it was like morel-hunting in April...one momentarily jumped out of camouflage beside me and then they were everywhere.

To my right, my left, behind me, beneath me....everywhere. And in that same spot as last year, I found the very same plants...splashing up through water, reaching towards the bare branches above them.

We were victorious. We found the promise of rebirth and it wasn't a hollow concept. It was a thick, dense mass of budding potency and power...full of hot life and breath, red and green, whispering into the cold "I am returning now with deeper roots, deeper strength."

We stayed until the moon arrived.

I would stay there always, if I could.

A Recount Of The Events Of The Past 24 Hours

2010-01-12T12:46:00.000-05:00

My first day off since New Year's. I awoke at 6am to make Brendan's lunch this morning.

(He started on a new temporary client contract in Columbus this week...hour and a half commute.)

I promptly went back to bed and wrestled with eerie dreams of being in a parallel universe and separated from my body. (Which had some very strange physical sensations, let me tell you.) Although this is profoundly weird, it's not the first time this has happened. When I'm especially worn out, I dream that I can't wake up because I'm separated from my body. I can also, during these dreams, hear the cacophony of human thoughts floating around in space and time. A murmur of voices talking about everything and nothing...like my brain switched onto the psychic channel and the knob broke off.

Yesterday at work, I announced I was leaving at 2pm to avoid getting overtime. So I went out to start my little diesel car (which is having such a hard time with this bitter cold) and it wouldn't start. Many well-meaning coworkers thought it was the battery and tried to give me a jump-start, but I've come to bond with my car these past 2 months. I felt in my gut that something else was wrong and a jump wouldn't do it. Nevertheless, we hooked up jumper cables and I tried to start it. Again and again and again. And the engine sounded "off" to me. I received advice to push the gas pedal down and then try - BAD advice. I also received advice to spray ether into the intake - EVEN WORSE advice for a diesel, unless you want to destroy your engine. Luckily, I didn't take any of that advice, but I still didn't know what was wrong and I was stuck in a snowstorm an hour from home. I tried to start it once more and wispy smoke started spiraling up to the sky from the engine compartment. What a funny sight I must have been. Dashing through the snow in a wool skirt and heels yelling "SHIT" and bursting into the backdoor of my workplace, grabbing a fire extinguisher and rushing back out. The smoke had disappeared, thankfully, but I burst into tears and gave up. I didn't know what to do. I'd been trying to contact Brendan...I KNEW he would be able to tell me what was wrong and what I should do but I couldn't get a hold of him...he was on that new temporary job, supposed to be impressing people so they sign up for a longer contract.

I went inside and called a very expensive tow truck. (They're all expensive.) Then I worried and cried and called a car rental company to see if I could afford renting a car to drive to work. I thought my car might be dead for a long time. The tow truck finally came an hour later and the driver was silent and gruff, kicking things around, jerking the straps around my tires, as I shivered and tried not to cry. It was like watching a wounded animal be handled carelessly by someone who doesn't love it or know it. I felt bad for myself, but strangely enough, I felt worse for my car.

That poor car. It sat for five or more years in a garage, silent and neglected, before I purchased it in pieces and Brendan put it back together and rebuilt it with his kind hands. He spent many hungry evenings working on that car out in the snowy driveway instead of inside, warm and fed. The car wants to work...I can feel it. But I left the lights on twice and nearly ruined the battery. (There's no warning sound. I'm just supposed to remember.) It runs on diesel and when the weather is this damn cold (and it is damn cold), the oil turns to an unmovable goo which makes it REALLY hard to start the car. There's a block heater to help with this, but that only works if I can plug it in somewhere. Most parking lots I go to for work don't have electrical outlets. There's also glow plugs to help it start but if one or more of them aren't working, I'm screwed.

Which brings me back to yesterday. I towed the car home to the tune of $140 and talked the guy into manuevering it into my driveway for me, head-first so Brendan would be able to push the front of the car into the garage. He turned out to be a pretty nice guy after all, just a quiet one. I called my Dad and bawled to him and I called my Mom and asked her to come over so I could cry on her shoulder.

It went something like this, through my head, all afternoon. If my car is broken in such a bad way that it'll take quite a bit of time for Brendan to fix, I'm screwed. He works late so the only time he'd have to work on it is for a few hours every night out in the unheated garage until he stops feeling his fingers. Not to mention the cost, whatever astronomical amount that will be. In the meantime, I still have to get to work every day. Do I throw away half of my paycheck to rent a car to get to work? Is that the perfect example of futility or what? And If I can't get to work, or if I can only keep half of my money, then I can't pay off of any of the debt I so desperately need to, so that when my job ends in April, we won't have to use Brendan's entire paycheck on paying bills with nothing left for food and gas (as was the case the previous ten months, which drained our savings to nothing). The plan was to use my entire paycheck for the entire four months of my employment to pay off all of those little nagging debts that eat away at his paycheck. If I can't do that, then bankruptcy is my only option to keep from starving. My mother-in-law has made it abundantly clear to me that she disapproves of me ruining her son's credit with a bankruptcy. If my house doesn't sell by March when my tenant moves out, I'm going to have to claim it anyway though. There's absolutely no way I can afford a second house payment. What a laughable thought.

And the underlying thought of all of this: I'm thirty years old. I want to have a family. I will not bring a child into the world when I can't care or provide for him. I will absolutely not be a working mother. I will not let someone else raise my children while I'm working. Not going to happen. I will also not work while I'm pregnant. The whys are another story entirely but those are not negotiable. And so we need to be in a better financial position if I'm ever going to have a baby and I'm already thirty years old.

So I got pretty upset. I guess most people that saw me crying yesterday assumed I was upset because my car broke down. But really, it was the implication. I might never get ahead in life. I might never know the joy of having a family. The struggle might never end.

Brendan got home last night and immediately went out to check out the car. I didn't get to hear about his first day at that new job....I only heard that he didn't get to eat lunch. And before I could feed him, he went outside to try and determine the cause of the breakdown. About half an hour later I heard the car start and saw him give me a thumbs up through the window. I was puzzled. I was fully prepared for bad news. I was expecting to have to quit my job and claim bankruptcy and accept failure and prepare for a childless life. (I know, I really can be a drama queen.) But it was just something with a fuse. A fluke really. I accidentally must have switched on the wipers one of the times I was trying to start the car, which due to an engineering defect, was hitting one of the glowplug fuses under the hood and shorting it out. Hence, the smoke. It was the wrong fuse which made it burn rather than pop and it was so cold that there was no way the car was going to start without glowplugs. So he fixed it in half an hour.

And did I mention he lost his wedding ring on top of everything? As we wearily searched the fridge for something to make for dinner, we realized we had nothing. Because I haven't had a day off in ages, I haven't gone grocery shopping in ages and we had nothing but ground beef, old yogurt, and chipotle peppers. So although we were both beaten and bedraggled, we changed into some clothes suitable to wear in public and went out for dinner. I nearly fell asleep in my cheeseburger. During dinner, Brendan reached into his pocket...the pants he'd worn the day before...and surprisingly pulled out his wedding ring. Didn't lose it after all. And when we got home from dinner, I realized in all the misery, I hadn't checked the mailbox earlier, and when I reached in, I pulled out a check from work...my mileage check.

I felt sheepish as I brushed my teeth. "Sorry Universe", I thought.

The reply, "I've got your back. You should know that by now."

Storm Travels

2010-01-08T09:35:00.000-05:00

I just happened to be in town yesterday afternoon when the storm hit. I was supposed to be at work, an hour from home but I'd left early to take care of some family business. And I thought I got lucky. I thought, "It'll stop by Friday morning and I'll be fine to drive in to work about noon." Well, the storm continues and we're expecting four more inches and I need to leave for work in a couple hours. Driving in snow is scary. But for me, driving in snow (or rain) in the dark is terrifying. I can't. See. Anything. And I'm working until about 9pm. I'm really hoping I can make it home.

My husband (who really, really loves me) has offered to come get me tonight, but then I'd have to leave my car. My car is a diesel and in temps this bone-chillingly cold, I need to plug in the block heater of the car in order to start it after it's been sitting all night. So if Brendan brings me to work on Saturday morning, when I try to leave Saturday evening, I don't know if the car will start.

For the record: I AM NEVER GOING TO WORK THIS FAR FROM HOME IN THE WINTER TIME ANOTHER YEAR OF MY LIFE.

I hate driving in the snow. I hate not being able to stay home because I don't feel safe. What if I wreck my car??? I NEED my car to get to work which I NEED to do to pay for groceries!!!!!

Alright. No what if's. The bottom line is I need to make it to work today. And I need to somehow make it home. If only the weather would just cooperate. Maybe I can talk to it and convince this arctic air to move on and let us thaw out for a while. Funny...even as I type this, I actually see sunshine outside. But it's still snowing. Well...it's a start anyway.

Letter To My Young Family Members

2010-01-07T17:24:00.004-05:00

To my young family members who find themselves at a crossroads,

You are so hopeful and carefree...idealistic and sometimes naive. Sometimes out of touch with reality. But, hey, aren't we all sometimes and such is the state of youth though anyway. As we age, those of us that are either lucky or smart, begin to find that quintessential balance between keeping our feet grounded in reality and yet still letting our heads dream our wildest dreams up in the clouds. It's a tough act to balance but an monumentally important one in the long run. Without that crazy, reckless optimism that never stops reaching for happiness, we become resigned to the difficulties of modern life, going through the motions without feeling. Yet without an awareness of actual reality, regrets line up behind us in a trail of bad decisions.

This new generation seems habituated to instant gratification and many lack good decision making skills that include foresight and determining how present decisions will impact the future. It's not necessarily your collective fault...I think maybe everyone was just too busy while you were being raised to explain the nature of foresight. Technology has exacerbated the situation in an unanticipated marketing ploy hinged on short attention spans. Maybe it's not just this generation. Maybe every generation goes through that young blindness that grasps for instant happiness at any cost. I don't know. But the reality is, although we can be happy while simultaneously homeless and hungry, why choose a path that may lead there when there are other paths that although they may require some measure of change and sacrifice, will ensure a more financially secure future? Our economy is miserable and while it's of the utmost importance to remain positive in the face of adversity, it still seems unwise to throw ourselves under the bus of unemployment that's barreling down the highway at breakneck speed right now. Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst. A tough balancing act as well.

While short term decisions made for the sake of having food and shelter may seem like a detour from original, more important hopes and dreams, food and shelter is not to be underrated as key ingredients in comfort. Besides, happiness is not a place. Happiness is not something that is to be attained just as soon as this or that happens. (I'm sure you guys remember me struggling with this one a lot in the past year.)

Abraham Lincoln says it best: "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Or maybe it was actually Denis Waitly that said it best: "Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude." And then of course John Milton who has written such amazing existential profundities: "The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven."

But remember, it's easier to be happy with a roof over your head, food in your belly and someone to love. Aristotle said "Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient." Without money of our own we are subject to the charity of others as well as the government and by virtue of that, their conditions and stipulations as well. Benjamin Franklin advised in his booklet Way To Wealth, "When you run in debt; you give to another power over your liberty." So while it superficially may seem as if you're making decisions solely based on the pursuit of wealth to the exclusion of your hopes and dreams, I beg of you, expand your imagination to think in terms of the future. Think of how your decisions will alter the entire course of your life. Remember to take into account the reality of the world and the nature of of our modern culture. And remember as Jesus advised, "Be in the world, but not of it." Use all the incredible powers of creation inherent in your human mind to use what you have to your greatest advantage. Take whatever life brings and make it suit you. Theologian David Steindl-Rast urges us to remember "Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more."

I know the concept of money holds us back in our evolution. And you probably do as well. But the rest of the world hasn't caught on to that yet and that's the reality we live in. Living in ignorance of that reality could, in all actuality, land someone homeless on the street. Being spiritual is only one part of life. Being healthy and abundant are the other two...equally important...equally worthy. The things that draw health and abundance to us begin with gratitude and a willingness to be content with the present moment.

Remember the Optimal Creative Vantage Point - To stand on the brink of what is coming, feeling eager, optimistic anticipation with no feeling of impatience, doubt, or unworthiness to hinder the receiving of it.

I will leave you with this.

I know you wish we would just mind our own business and let you be either happy or miserable as you see fit. We were young once too. We remember that feeling. But we love you. And we have stumbled down many-a-path that led us far away from our dreams, even with the best of intentions. We've worked out a lot in our time here on Earth and we're hoping that since you love us too, you'll value our wisdom and take it into consideration. We want to see you prosperous and happy and we really want to see you avoid some of the greater struggles we've had to wrestle with through the years from making poorly-thought-out decisions.

Thanks for putting up with us.

~ Your Family

Mark Twain -
Whoever is happy will make others happy, too.

Things I'd Like To See In My 2010

2010-01-01T12:18:00.000-05:00

- A la carte cable television. I only want Syfy (for Doctor Who), Food Network (for Alton Brown), Cartoon Network (for Adult Swim), and Discover (for most everything on the channel). I'm never going pay $90+ per month to watch only 4 channels.

- An Italian or Jewish bakery in the presently empty storefront at the end of my street. An erstwhile loan sharking establishment, it sits silently, uselessly empty. I'd love some fresh bagels or cannolis.

- Easy Money. That's right. I'm tired of the lop-sided exchange that has been occurring for the past five years or so. Let's restore the balance by another five years of easy money.

- 2009 was filled with some incredibly tender moments of grace. Pure, unadulterated love and laughter despite our little world falling apart. I'd like more of the same as we continue to rebuild.

- Our loved ones to finally quit smoking. All of them! It stinks. We hate that we have to strip down immediately upon getting home and treat our clothes like toxic waste...then waste water taking another shower to get the stench out of our hair. More importantly, we don't want to watch you die slowly and painfully from something so stupid that could, in all likelihood, be prevented. Plus, we'd rather not endanger ourselves unnecessarily with second-hand smoke. When we have children, they will not be allowed to be around you if you're smoking. Please quit.

- To finally make a batch of homemade biodiesel. I love all things that smack of self-sufficiency and you can't really beat the cost.

- Myself down at the Farmers' Market every Saturday. Selling, this time. Soaps, aprons, fresh-cut flowers, seedlings, jams and jellies, tomatoes, and whatever else I can manage. All I need is a folding card table I can stuff in the back of my Golf.

- A serious pepper crop in the backyard. Last year wasn't so great for peppers. This year I want banana peppers, early jalepenos, king of the norths, anchos, and pimentos.

- A blushing profusion of roses. The frost killed my rose buds in 2009. This year, I want to see some rambling roses.

- Bigger Dreams. Everything went so horribly wrong in 2009. It really shook my faith in myself as the creator of my reality. I became a hesitant dreamer...a reluctant optimist. This year, I want to dream bigger without remembering how it didn't work last time.

- On the whole, I'd like to see a greater number of Americans concerned about the quality of their food. I'd like to see their taste buds come alive again so they can realize how bad big agribiz grocery store food tastes. I know it's a lot to ask. But I'd really love to see people become more connected to their food.

- More purity in the marketplace. I know this depends on demand so it hinges on the precarious awareness and wallets of the American population. I would love to see artificial flavors replaced with real flavor. Pesticides, growth hormones, antibiotic feed, and gmo crops replaced with any number of the more successful, less harmful farming practices such as permaculture. There's a lot of folks who don't buy into the "everyone can grow their own food" mentality. They're realists and they understand that a population of our size is going to need mass-produced food. Mark Shepard, CEO of Forest agricultural Enterprises is an advocate for large-scale permaculture...something not many have considered. He says "we aren't going to convince farmers to climb off their combines and pick blueberries by hand; plus we need the caloric gain that mechanization and large-scale production gives us. Pick food by hand and you may harvest 10 times the calories used. Harvest by machine and can have 1,000 times the return." Joel Salatin of Polyface Farms is a wonderful example of a wildly successful farmer who uses zero artificial or destructive farming methods. One of the key concepts of his farm is allowing each chicken to fully express its "chicken-ness" and each pig to fully express its "pig-ness". If you're interested in growing in your awareness of what you're putting on your plate, watching Food Inc. is a good place to start. And Richard Manning, award-winning author and journalist, will convince even the most stubborn skeptic who takes the time to read his blockbuster article by the unassuming title, The Amazing Benefits of Grass-fed Meat. (They truly are amazing.)

- More honesty and integrity in the world. We could all use a little more of that. There will always be a bunch of schmucks who don't even know the meaning of honesty and integrity. But as for the rest of us, there's still hope in every moment one of those little, minute choices are made.

- I received an ancient dusty tripod from my mother last week. This is the year I photograph the baby hummingbirds at the ever-blooming lilac.

- Walmart bankrupt. Nuff said.

- Family, friends, and enjoyment of food culturally prioritized over and above the rat-race we call "a career". Europeans have been doing this for how many years now? I'd like to see us return to this mindset.

- Some hot process soap come out of my kitchen. I think I'll start on that today, actually. My Winterberry soap has to be rebatched. It was a cold-process bust.

- Some new apron choices. Skirts upcycled into aprons maybe? Mens aprons?

- Half of my book written. I'm not telling what its about yet.

- More writing, but only for fun and extra (i.e. un-needed) money. Writing out of financial necessity is a real drag. Writing because I'm passionate is thrilling.

- Last but not least, more of that acceptance I've been feeling towards others lately. I know, I know...I might not be feeling it so much for the smokers. But I've been feeling just a little more mellow lately. It's not patience, it's just acceptance of people in situations that would have ordinarily made me annoyed at them. I suppose that's a sign of age. Or maybe not. Either way, I'd like more of it please. It feels so much better than judgment.

- Oh, and one more thing. More birds. They make me so happy. : )

Speed Introspection

2009-12-26T15:28:00.000-05:00

As the end of the year continues to sneak up on me, I still feel like I'm trying to catch up to the progression of time. My mind still hasn't processed so much of what's happened this year and already, it's time to leave it behind for good.

I lost my job in February...fired for office politics and a snarky personal vendetta. I spent most of the year trying to recover emotionally, meanwhile, blowing through our savings. For most of my life, I've been absolutely clueless about "what I want to be when I grow up", so needless to say, I was shocked when my 30th birthday brought a new perspective to that arena, largely inspired by months and months of playing housewife and reading Mary Janes Farm magazine. I suppose I always suspected I'd find my calling doing something quasi-abnormal but predictable - freelance writing, starting an animal sanctuary...something to do with an actual profession.

I've been reading about the importance of following your heart, your bliss, or your passion since I was a teenager. It sounds great second-hand...of course! Why would I NOT do that? But it only works if you can actually identify what your heart is telling you, what makes you blissful, or what you're passionate about. I confess that most of my adolescent and young adult life was spent looking for love, to the exclusion of most everything else. Once I found what I had always dreamed of...someone to love, who actually loves me too...I was lost. It was more or less, "what now?"

As sucky as it was getting fired by people I had grown to think of as my family, it did give me the chance to just "be" and exist without having to be occupied by an occupation. And the hard hit on the pocketbook really forced me into some tight corners in regards to food and living in general. I sought out solutions and I found them, and in taking responsibility for my household, suddenly the passion sprang up as if from some hidden place in my heart. Although the stress of money was ever-present, tending to the simple tasks of cooking, baking, sewing...they brought me absolute bliss. I spent my days creating meals, soaps, aprons, ideas, and desserts...creating the home I'd always wanted, meanwhile being entertained all day by 2 crazy cats. My heart was speaking to me and it was telling me I was headed in the right direction.

Of course when the money runs out and there's just nothing left to buy food with, it's desperate. So I interviewed for a particular job. I'd been searching for months but found nothing. This one was different I never got home from the interview that day. They called me back when I was halfway home and put me right to work. It's been a non-stop struggle to maintain "who I am" ever since. There's a commute. And there's working lunches and working until midnight and working all weekends. And deadlines and conference calls and bickering about what shoes are professional and which aren't. But there's money. And lots of it. And there's also light at the end of the tunnel. Thank goodness for seasonal tax work. It always ends April 15th. The plan is to pay off the debt that eats away at my husband's paycheck so by the time my job ends, those particular debts won't exist and there will be money to eat again until the next job.

But how I'm struggling with this. I'd just begun to find my way and was suddenly thrown into a strange world where work thoughts occupy 89% of my waking hours. That is not me. Not by a long shot. But my personality is such that I am consumed by what I spend most of my time doing, so if I have a stressful job then naturally it follows that I'm consumed by stress.

The year is coming full circle and every instinct in my body is telling me to slow down...become introspective...take stock of the past and the present and then begin to formulate my plans and germinate my dreams. And I can't because I don't have time. I just have to hang on for a season. A whole season of my thirthieth year will be gone by the time this is done. And I'll be that much closer to my dreams.

I interviewed a woman a few weeks ago. I asked her what her motivation was for applying for the job and she said "I don't want to sit at home all winter and watch the snowflakes fall. I need something to do." I think my jaw actually dropped. I can think of no better way to spend the winter time than in my cozy little house, baking cookies, and watching the snow fall. It takes all kinds of people, I guess...

This year, I wanted to be more creative. And I was. My etsy shop is doing alright, especially since I haven't had much time to create anything new for it. I wanted to find my purpose in life, and thankfully, I feel like I'm on the right track. Can anyone really find their "purpose"? And is there a such thing? Or is there only joy and happiness disguised or perceived as purpose? All I know is that I feel close. I feel very close, and when my source of income is in alignment with my passions, then that will be a happy day.

I wanted to find "my voice" this year. You know...my blogging voice. Didn't have too much time to blog. So that didn't happen. I wanted to stay in touch with my new blog friends and my far-flung family members. I didn't do such a good job with that either. I can't do everything. And there's only so much time in a life. I am happy with the way I've spent my time this year. It's been a very transformative and productive year and I've spent most of it focusing on me because I needed to.

This next year, I wish for the presence and peace of mind to be more giving, more thoughtful, and to sing more. I still dream of having a homestead where I can plant apple, pear, and cherry trees...have a pawpaw and a horseradish patch. A flock of hens, some rabbits for shearing. A garden of every kind of vegetable and fruit I can manage. Most importantly, I want this homestead to be permanent. What good is it to spend time, money, and energy building a space of love for your family if it's temporary? I want my future child to grow up with the tree I'll plant when he's born. I want him to intimately know and love the land that provides for him. I want to have something to give my children that will provide for them, shelter them, and sustain them so I can spare them this life of constant working just to barely get by. I want to make a better world. And I dream of a world where my children are free to pursue their own passions and dreams without financial constriction.

So let it be written...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone! I hope you are all enjoying every moment. : )

I'm off to finish an apron...

2009-12-14T20:27:00.000-05:00

Thankfully, I'm feeling a little better today. Last night, it was all I could do to keep from crying in helpless frustration over the loss of my freedom to have usable brain space/power and enough free time to retain some semblance of creativity in my life. Work, work, work...

I've been thrown to the wolves and most days every ounce of brain power is spent on making sure I figure out what's expected of me, make sure I do it, and meanwhile, deal with the clusterf&^! of hiring 50 some people and get them trained before the end of the week. I spend a lot of time driving to and from work as well which is frustrating. When I'm done with work, I want to be home, not driving for an hour.

So there's lots to be frustrated about. But this morning, as I sat in my second all-day-meeting (yes...really....ALL DAY), I looked around at the smiling faces that have been so kind to me...the faces of my coworkers who are always committed and dedicated to their jobs, always give 110%, and always turn things around into a positive. I realized what a contrast it is to work there from what it was like at my last job. Now, the fact that everyone is so dedicated is both disconcerting and relieving.

I asked an office manager to come in on Saturday and do ten interviews with me and she just said "Sure, no problem. What time?" With a smile on her face even.

Disconcerting because I need to make sure I keep up or my level of non-dedication will stick out like a sore thumb next to everyone else. Relieving because it makes for really positive work environment. For those of you who read my last blog, you know how unhappy I was at my last job. There was just an overwhelming air of negativity that I found inescapable and honestly, although I'm working my ass off, this is a breath of fresh air. If I'm going to work so long and so hard, at least it will be with positive, supportive coworkers.

Another thing I was pleasantly suprised by, on an unrelated note, is this. My CandyCane soap made factorygirlashli's Treasury!

I'm looking at some free time during the holidays so I'm planning on doing some Wintergreen soap and hopefully starting some more aprons. I'm down to one!

Thanks for reading!

Somewhere Over The Rainbow...

2009-12-13T17:13:00.000-05:00

At this point, I don't want to complain and unfortuantely, that's all I feel like doing lately. As soon as I have something nice to say, I will be back. As for now, the one thing I'm grateful for is this coming paycheck. I'm hoping for a better attitude soon.

Please forgive me...I have no time for myself, my family, my hobbies, my passions, or my health anymore. All I have time to do is eat, work, cook, do laundry, iron, make lunches, and sleep, repeat. How on earth does the rest of the world put up with this crap? I miss real life. I know it's out there somewhere...

Winter Sunrise

2009-12-11T18:14:00.000-05:00

This morning I left for work before the sun was up. I haven't seen a winter sunrise while on the road in ages. The traveling has been hard on me but the countryside is so beautiful. Every morning as I grab my keys I look longingly to my camera, consider grabbing it, but then opt to leave it in favor of carrying less stuff. I've been schlepping around more crap for my job than one person should schlepp. I know it sounds absurd that the mere weight of camera would make a difference but my bags are always full and I'm loaded with winter gear. Besides...I don't really have the time or opportunity to stop and snap photos...but oh, I wish I could. I also wish I had more time to write but for now I don't. I miss you all.

Wintry Thoughts

2009-12-06T10:38:00.001-05:00

The cold has settled in. It whips around the corners of the house, deftly finding the small cracks and openings and it seeps in, thin and potent, to creep along the wooden floor and grab hold of bare feet and bones. Last night, driving home in the cold, we saw tiny flecks of white in the headlights. So small they could barely be called snowflakes...looked more like bugs but surely all the bugs are frozen stiff or snug in their winter digs, whatever they may be.

This morning, reports of snow from all my scattered family and friends from accross the country. Not here, though. Just cold. And the lovely reprieve of sunshine. My soul hungers for sunshine when the days are so short...when life has changed so much in the past week.

Today there is so much to do. A list that couldn't possibly be done in one day. And there just aren't any more days to do them during the week now. A life filled with driving and working is a life that falls apart, slowly and definitively. But as easy as it would be to find fault with this new situation, it'd be much easier in the long run to just softly yield and accept. Laundry will pile up. We will go without clean underwear. Dishes will continually be dirty and there will forever be dirt and cat hair on the floor. No more leisurely baking...no more elaborate dinners. Inspiration and creativity will fall sadly by the wayside as I am consumed with the need to do better and then even better at work so I will have a shot at working again next year, this time. Life in the fast lane for about 5 months. And that's it. It will be so. And because of it, our cars will have all the shiny, new parts they need to run. We will be able to buy food again, not on borrowed money. And finally, debt will start to disappear. There's still some things that my new, big paycheck won't touch... like my house that still needs a new owner and the mountains of student loan debt. But the others...they will be tackled and brought down. Hard and fast. And in the future...these measly five months of pretending to be someone else will have faded into the dimness of memory and I'll barely remember the difficulties of it. I'll only know that because I did it, everything got easier from there on out.

Once again making money

2009-12-05T10:30:00.000-05:00

I've been quite absent from the blogosphere lately due to employment. It is wonderful and terrible and scary but relieving. I spent three months learning how to prepare taxes in preparation to be a tax professional, I interviewed for the seasonal position, and then I was offered the job. Then, I was offered another job instead, with the same company. A regional coordinator of receptists, basically. A traveling manager. Still seasonal, but with more pay. You all know my aims in regard to debt. You all know how badly I've been needing some income. So I took it!

I interviewed again for that position, was told I'd have to do one more interview with the regional director, and then left for home, 45 minutes away. I got halfway home and they called and told me to come back, I was hired, and could I work for the rest of the day. Nevermind how I felt unprepared or nervous or unqualified to be the manager of anything. I spent the rest of the day in a shocked, bewildered, stressed, overwhelmed, frightened, hungry tizzy because, really, any place that deals with deadlines, taxes, and seasonal employees is just big blur of crazy business. And no one really seems to eat lunch. I was thrown to the wolves so to speak.

I have a lot of things to learn, a lot of things to do, and a lot of people to impress. My work is far from home, I'll be driving all over the state, and working very long hours. I'm used to living a very different life than this. I've never done anything quite so demanding before and honestly, my beginning military training seemed a little less intimidating. With that, I was trained properly and told what to expect. Now, I have no idea what I'm supposed to really do, when or what's honestly expected of me. I'm told I make my own schedule, but do I leave at 5pm or do I stay until 9pm like everyone else? This is weird.

Well...I'll handle it. It's just so different from the life I've grown accustomed to. It'll only last for 4 or 5 months and then I'll be back to normal. My schedule is very up in the air now, so who knows when I'll be blogging. Or if I'll even be able to think about blogging. Trying not to make mistakes and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing has been occupying all my thoughts for the past four days...no real room for creativity. It makes me sad. But I know it's for a purpose. I know someday, my husband and I are going to be standing at our front door with mail in hand, looking at each other, and smiling. Because our mail is just magazines and utility bills. No more debt. Just freedom. And all this will have been worth it.

In the midst of this job craziness, my husband's job has changed as well. He works for a company that sends outsourced I.T. support to clients, and my husband, an outsourced I.T. support guy, had his client unexpectedly cancel their contract as of January...who knows why. He'll be going back to his company office. He could get reassigned anywhere...it's still up in the air. Unfortunately, we also found out through testing this week, that he has carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands and needs surgery on the right hand immediately. He'll be down for 2 to 3 weeks and I'm really wishing I could be home to take care of him then.

Soo.....lots and lots of changes. I've also been doing really, really well with my etsy shop, considering it's new and I haven't done extensive advertising. I'm so grateful because, honestly, that's what I really love and that's what I'd like to do once our debt is paid.

I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with all my regular blog stops...I just haven't had time. But I will again someday! Have a great weekend everyone. : )

What's New In LaLa Land

2009-12-01T11:13:00.001-05:00

It's been quite a Thanksgiving weekend over here in lala-land (my brother lovingly called me lala when he was a toddler). We had two celebrations to include the family members that were absent on actual Thanksgiving. Then...my beloved husband got my car up and running, titled, registered, insured, and legal....AND I was offered a job above and beyond that which I was training for. I had every expectation of doing tax preparation this season but was offered a management position instead! I have a lot of thoughts on this...

I'm nervous, I'm shocked, I'm grateful, I'm uncertain, I'm relieved...but most importantly, I'll HAVE A PAYCHECK AGAIN!!! Honestly...that's the priority now. My management position will have me driving all over the state in the worst winter weather but it also will pay more and will only last until April so I'll take it while I can get it.

I'm a little sad that my domestic life of being the happy, (i.e. lazy) housewife is temporarily over but it'll all be worth it to get our necks out of this debt noose. Really though...I'm not that lazy. Just in the morning. In the afternoon, I kick ass.

Well...everything changes. I'm worried about my clothes, of all things. I don't have manager clothes...2 suits maybe. Oh well...I'll figure something out.

Other good news...I've made 3 sales on my etsy site to non-friend/family members! Very satisfying. I've also sold my first apron...the very first one that I made. To my ex-boyfriend. I'm guessing it's for his mother. How odd to have something so special to me go to my ex's mother. ?? Weird. But I'm extremely happy about it. Now I have to get busy making some more aprons and soap...I'm so thankful for all that I've sold so far. I spent hours this weekend creating ledger files for my expenses and income, and honestly, I think I've done pretty well. My loss is only just over 50% which is not bad at all for the first three months. I have a feeling it will only get better with more creative advertising.

Well...the trees are bare, the air is colder and there's a brisk snap to the wind now. Christmas lights are popping up everywhere and there's a sense of change on the air. It feels like I'm well on my way to leaving all the difficulties of the past year behind.

I'M Stufffed!

2009-11-24T15:27:00.000-05:00

I've recently re-shuffled the attic. I have one of those Cape Cod houses with an attic on either side of the upstairs rooms...kind of secret-passage-like. I would have loved it as a kid.

So on one side I have everything I'm keeping. On the other side - EVERYTHING MUST GO!!! I'm thinking of starting a swap blog...or converting my other one into a swap blog. I have computer parts, books, manuals, car parts, clothes, XMas stuff, more books, supplements, vitamins, more books, a shower curtain, and shoes.

Why do we accumulate so much stuff? When we moved two years ago, I brought three truckloads to Goodwill. And I STILL have more to get rid of. I'm not one of those pack-rat people either. In fact...I get rid of a lot. I don't like clutter at all. I think I do better than most in that area. So where does all this stuff come from??????????

I'm having flashbacks....

I'm at my mother's house, just a few hours ago. She asks me if I want any Buckwheat flour. "Sure!" I say. Now there's a huge grocery bag full of buckwheat flour in the dining room, waiting to be put away. What the hell am I going to do with all this buckwheat?

Another flashback...

Two days ago, my mother's house. "Here...look through these boxes. I found the Thanksgiving dishes. Do you want them? I also found decorations, disposable coffee cups with lids, a bird feeder, and your Grandma's sewing basket. Take all of it. Oh, and you can have the dining room table." (That one I liked!)

A week ago. My mom comes over and brings me a DVD. Dr. Wayne Dyer, Excuses Begone! Thanks mom.

A month ago. "Here honey...I found this jewelry. Take it. How about a cat? We have 5, we don't need that many. Do you want to take one home?"

(We didn't take the cat.)

Here's the deal - My mom just sold her house and moved into a temporary rental. After sorting through years of accumulated junk, she'll be moving yet again, across the country into a house 1/8 the size of the one she's in now. And so I get all the extras! She also recently closed her organic grocery store so we have tons of unsold incense, spelt flour, and tapioca pudding laying around...all the stuff nobody wanted even at 75% off. Hence, the buckwheat flour. But hey...yay for buckwheat pancakes!!!!!

Deep Thoughts At Happy Hour

2009-11-20T19:47:00.000-05:00

Family Theme Day is coming early. I think I may throw this schedule in the bin...I can't seem to stick to it.

After reading this post by Jules, I was left thinking about my family's struggle to make ends meet...wondering if we'll ever manage to move forward. We're contemplating new jobs with commutes which will dig us out of a hole, but leave us with a lot less time for real life and change everything. We're such ridiculous creatures of habit. If we don't get to eat lunch together, per the usual, the rest of the day is half-weird and feels incomplete. If one of us isn't home at the usual time in the evening, it throws the whole night off...we can't get in sync. It's like we're old...set in our ways...but we like it that way. It's why we're so good together...we harmonize. It's about the connecting. It's why we cook dinner together, make cookies together, or run errands together. From habit, we naturally do for each other what needs to be done and we have it down to a science now. Or should I say, a nice, comfortable schedule that really works.

These habits aren't random or arbitrary. We do what we're good at to accomplish what we want. We both value, more than anything, having a safe, comfortable home. Not just a house...a home. Clean, cozy, happy, safe, relaxing place where we can always be real and leave the outside world outside.

The patch of earth where we plant tender little seedlings in the earth that grow into delicious food. The tiny kitchen with 3 cabinets where we cram our prized iron skillet, our highly valued cookie press, and the cheap but invaluable salad spinner. The kitchen where my soul finally began to open and embrace all the glory that is flavor and food. The shoebox garage that contains Brendan's livlihood...third generation toolboxes and tools, engine stands and hoists, welders, and dreams of biodiesel concoctions and TDI engines. The basement with our drying clothes strung out on lines in a defiant statement of survival...the mini lathe, a budding hobby waiting for more time. The soft textures of blankets and throw rugs...the rush of green and oxygen from our little indoor grove of houseplants. The big table where aprons are sewn, homework is done, and conversations save the world. It's where real life happens. Not the pretend money-making, 9 to 5 life. The real stuff...like laughter and kisses and dreams. It's where the fullness of our triumphs and disappointments are felt and ultimately expressed. It's the place where hope is born and allowed to blossom without the downward glance of naysayers. And it's where grief is finally allowed to ache, safe from judgment. It's the one place that we may always be ourselves, without fear of offending or reprisal. And it's the only place I can make my own as I see fit.

After reading Jule's post, I couldn't help but be saddened by the fact that no matter how much lip service we, as Americans, give freedom, it doesn't mean anything without the almighty dollar. Amidst the many freedoms we do have, the one we don't seems to be the ability to live our lives as we'd like to. I know I'm venturing off into dangerous territory...there's a lot of people that claim to like the way their lives are (specifically, the working part). And I surely don't doubt the truth of it. But for those of us that want to be, say firefighters but out of financial necessity must be paper pushers, we aren't really tasting that freedom. Now I know that scenario doesn't really make sense but switch out firefighter for artist/writer/mechanic/vetrinarian/biochemist or anything else, really. All over the country there are people doing "this" that want to be doing "that" but life circumstances (i.e. financial situations) make it difficult. I'm sure Jules husband would love to be home with his wife and children a little bit more, dare I say a lot more. But like she says, bills need to be paid. And so it goes across America.

There are two responses to this dilemma. One from Depression Era Survivors and Baby Boomers and another from the New Age crowd. The old, familiar response of the wise old men and the suits and ties of yesterday talk about capitalism and hard work and success and don't ever really approach the core issue of "happiness". And then the Wayne Dyers and Jack Canfields of the world tell us to think positively and the world will be ours. Both ideas have their merits. But like I always say, none of us live in a vacuum. Everything affects everything else and as long as the mojority of the world finds it acceptable to live to work and work to live, then it will continue to affect the population. How many generations of children will this paradigm be handed down to? After reading Jule's post, I read this one from Maggie May about the teenage paroxysm of her son and I wondered, how many people can really see this clearly? Maggie does...but what more can she do?

I'm not ranting. And I'm not blaming either. I know there is no real answer to this, or even explanation. I don't have a one-size-fits-all solution that will work for those of us who are some kind of "stuck". No one does. Yet, somehow, I'm not hopeless. The world is full of people helping themselves...climbing out of deep dark holes and pits of despair and raising their triumphant fists to the sky in victory. I think it's a saavy combo of the Boomer's work hard ethic and the New Ager's incurable optimism (which we all know is more work than it seems). But I think there is another key element - the recognition that there really is no one-size-fits-all answer. We must make our own.

Imagine if you'd been given all the love, encouragement, and resources to find your passions and follow your dreams from when you were a small child. Imagine...if you will...what that would be like. If there were no demands other than "find your passion" and "do what makes you happy". To some people, that's a fruitless exercise. But to those of us who can actually imagine such a thing, we can start to see how inefficient and inept our priorities are. One family raising their child in such a way is struggling against the tide. But imagine a whole culture of people following their passions, unlimited by niether financial means nor tired presumptions about how things "should be".

In this case, I'm going to go with Dr. Wayne Dyer on this one and agree "we'll see it when we believe it".

Why The Day Of Atonement Made Me Love Christmas

2009-11-18T11:19:00.000-05:00

When I was young and my parents were still married (to each other), my family belonged to a church which focused more on the Old Testament of the Bible than the New Testament. As a result, we celebrated really obscure holidays like The Day of Atonement (no eating for 24 hours...loved that one) and The Days of Unleavened Bread (right...no bread for a week...loved that too). We did not, however, celebrate the likes of Christmas, Halloween, Easter, or birthdays. All were labeled pagan (by who, I don't know).

I know...it's starting to get frightening.

The exception? Thanksgiving!!!! And thank God for that because Thanksgiving with my family was a FEAST. An absolute feast. There was turkey, turkey soup, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, scalloped potatoes, acorn squash, butternut squash, corn, green beans, corn pudding, baked yams with maple syrup, candied sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, cranberry chutney, fruit salad, italian salad, lasagne, ziti, pumpkin pie, pumpkin cake, pecan pie, apple pie, cherry pie, coffee cake, candied orange peels, candied lemon peels, rum balls, peanut butter sesame balls, ginger bread men, spiced cider, egg nog, grape juice, coffee, and wine. Made from scratch (except the juice, cider, and nog of course).

So while most people start dreading the exhaustion, stress, and consumer mania of the holiday season right about now, I start daydreaming about those happy memories from my childhood...

...staying home from school with mom to help cook and bake and taste and scrape the bowl and lick the beaters...all the while singing, humming, and generally just being happy to creating such a feast that everyone will love.

Since Thanksgiving and Christmas have sort of bled together into the general "Holiday Season", my enthusiasm for Thanksgiving moves right on over to Christmas as well. Everyone knows I'm broke...I mean everyone. If I haven't borrowed money from you, then I probably mooched off of you at some point and you already know I'm not going to go shopping for a gift for you. It's going to be either second-hand or something handmade by me (or someone else) and it's going to be simple, personal, useful, and meaningful. So no stress there.

The only family living near enough to visit are my mom, step-dad, brother and fiancee, and my mother-in-law and boyfriend. If we all got together in one room, it might be a little awkward with a chance of disagreement (opposing value systems) but thankfully, I think we're all wise enough to avoid that situation. It's the Italian Jewish Thanksgiving and then the Irish German Christmas. But it's not so much about the exact holiday day for me, as it is about the energy of the season. Baking goodies, making handmade gifts, being cozy at the end of the day with soft blankets and socks, a good movie, and hot cup of tea.

And I still have not given up on that crazy thing they call "The Holiday Spirit". I see no reason to. It's a key ingredient in my love of the season and I make a point to look for it. If I don't find it, I make it.

Maybe I'm different because I haven't been poisoned with Christmas-priority-warp from a young age. Who knows? But I will confess one irrelevant thing. I really don't like Santa Claus. He creeps me out, ever more increasingly every year. Maybe that's because I never believed he was real. And I guess I do kinda have a moral objection to mass deception, especially in regard to children. My own mother never trusted her mother again after she found out Santa Claus was a fraud. For real. Never trusted her. But anyway...

Getting back on track, I really do love the holidays. So many have mixed feelings on the subject...so many get so stressed.

Remember the poor guy that got TRAMPLED by a ferocious mob of crazed shoppers in a Wal-Mart over a big screen tv last year?

It really is just a choice to arrange the puzzle pieces you've been given to suit you. Or to arrange them according to popular opinion. It doesn't have to be hard. Anyone have any good holiday stories? I'd love to hear.

Simple and Not So Simple Things...I Love Them

2009-11-17T11:42:00.000-05:00

This morning, while still asleep, I had a dream that I went to a dinner party and fell asleep. That's how tired I was! I've been knocking back Yerba Mate like it's going out of style and catching up my blog surfing. Seems like a good day for it...it's still early (at least it was when I started), the sun is bright, I have the whole day ahead of me. : )

I noticed a theme while surfing...julochka, iasa, and char all had the words "simple things" in their post titles. And it turns out, it all started here with christina. This sort of thing is irresistable to me...I can talk about what I'm doing, what I've been thinking, or what's going on in the world all day long. But the small, simple moments are where life really happens. So I just can't pass up a chance to share that.

~~Simple~~ Things I Love

waking up to the mad tweeting of a flock of sparrows in the bush outside the window

realizing how the sound of it reminds me I'm also wild; still part of the secret, savage natural world

austere tree silhouettes against the deepest of blues on late autumn evening drives through farm country

the deep mahogany colored dining room table my mother passed down to me this past weekend. the way it makes me feel when I think of our future children sitting around it, asking about the letters etched into the surface. my answers when I tell them their grandparents once owned an organic grocery and it was at that very table that they'd write up their produce and meat orders. the heavily wielded pen left its everlasting indent on the surface. the history that table will come to know...

cats chattering at birds in the bare branches outside...cats crawling intentionally across whatever I happen to be doing...cats purring for seemingly no reason

looking past all the junk (toys) laying around in my neighbors yard and learning to see them as a real family, with real children and love and paper routes and church on Sundays

pressing my foot on the sewing machine pedal and continuing to be amazed when I make something beautiful, with even edges and straight seams...I couldn't make anything before

the spicy, sweet, clean, smell of all the bars of soap we've made filling the house...nothing like the smell of clean

the new plant collection, springing up lush and wild from the corner of the dining room...palm, fern, rubber, new zealand impatien, avocado, sweet william, jade, spider, oxalis, other clearance sale unknowns...cleaning the air, making us feel alive, making my cats throw up on the rug

the 30's music station on iTunes radio...filling my head with pleasant thoughts of holiday fun

baking french boule bread, lemon poppyseed poundcake, baking cranberry orange muffins and giant ginger cookies...the smells that waft through life when you love to bake

cooking for my husband who usually does most of that. the look of sheer gratitude makes all the mess worth it. or cooking together in quiet sync...but really, cooking with freshly picked garden goods and local meat and dairy...the freshness makes everything taste absolutely divine...the best

having a "real man" as a husband. he can do anything. anything. he knows how to rebuild an engine, a transmission, a whole car. he can cook the most delicious, fancy meals...or just make the crispiest, most golden french fries you've ever eaten. he rewires fuse boxes, tiles a bathroom, lays a floor, designs a website, fixes a crashed computer, whips an excellent homebrew, plays a 12 string, a 6 string, a mandolin, a banjo, a french horn, a trumpet, (etc.), and if he had to, he could sew, clean, mop, launder, press, and scrub, or draw, paint, sculpt, or take endless photos of me modeling aprons for my latest hobby. in a crisis he's calm, in the face of stress he relaxes. I've seen a neighbor's husband scratch his head at his broken car and try to run the lawn mower early on a dewey morning. in those moments, I think "Thank God I have a real man"

a clean, white porcelain bath tub

a love story...maybe romantic, maybe not. maybe just a good samaritan love story. love makes the world go 'round.

finding your first morel of Molly Mooch season (which I have experienced exactly once, so far)

running outside at the first snowfall...staring up at the sky as if you could really see the moment when they are born into unique little beauties from a drop of ordinary water

how whenever the seasons change, it's always as if I'm experiencing it for the very first time...every time.

that sublime moment of letting go after a struggle. the surrender. knowing it will end now.

colors...all of them...in contrasting combinations that still manage to be harmonious. brown and blue. lavender and navy. green and gray. red and white. orange and blue.

a hot, steaming cup of earl gray with a teaspoon and a half of honey and hint of lemon juice

watching all the people rushing around, working, spinning, toiling, slaving, while I sit still and quiet with nowhere to be and nothing to do. finally learning to enjoy this without guilt.

the unexpected connections with people from every corner of earth that happened because I decided I was bored at work and wanted something interesting to read, then found blogger. support and kindness from a "stranger" seems to somehow carry more weight sometimes. ??

little chats with neighbors about nothing that mean everything in the world of connection and kindness

those mornings when the sun is so bright and new that it makes the whole day seem full of endless possibility you wouldn't have otherwise seen

digging through old boxes looking for things...I always end up reunited with some lost treasure

crossing things off a list...one less thing to do, one more moment of me time gained

the day I get my Mary Janes Farm Magazine...stress melts away, I remember how I want to live my life, I get emotionally back on track

*********

On second thought, maybe all these aren't exactly simple. I'll cross that part out. I'm known far and wide for my inability to be simple. I guess that's just me.

Evidence Of Resourcefulness

2009-11-14T15:40:00.001-05:00

My hired out projects....

DONE

NOT DONE

There's nowhere to set up my ironing board except smack in the middle of the large front window. All my neighbors keep sending strange glances my way. I guess no one irons or sews in my neighborhood.

shrug

My Latest Read...And Homemade Kahluha Anyone?

2009-11-10T10:05:00.001-05:00

Today is "In The Kitchen" Tuesday, and I just happen to not be running around like a chicken without a head at the moment. Finally!

A few days ago I stopped by the local library to pick up season 1 of Torchwood.

The library is such a good source of free enterntainment!

I've recently finished rereading the Little House On The Prairie series and honestly, I'm a little glum about it. I really didn't think there was anything else that could fill my brief daily reading time with the same quality levels of inspiration and happiness. But after grabbing Torchwood, I found myself wandering through the library, nevertheless. As I drifted towards the painfully tiny craft section, I briefly thought of trying to find Barbara Kingsolver but gave up the thought immediately. Due to some serious funding issues, our libraries in Ohio are lucky to even still be in operation at the moment. None of the computers work any more ...

They're all posted with sticky notes that mention "due to catastrophic computer failure" the computers are unusable. It's been that way for at least 2 months. I suspect the I.T. person's been cut back.

and no one can look up where anything is. You just have to guess and search. I didn't know where to begin to find Barbara so I gave up. And then suddenly, in the gardening section

right next to the absurdly tiny craft section

there it was. Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver. No, I hadn't read it yet. So of course I picked it up. Now, I'm seriously resisting the urge to echo back to you everything I've been reading. It's that good. But of course that would be unfair to Barbara. And it would take forever. I have so many things swirling in my head...like MSG is a sorry (and cancerous) imitation of the taste of asparagus. Or like, the North American diet now originates from only eight plant sources, if that, as opposed to hundreds a century ago. While people lavish the endangered panda with attention and funding, plant varieties...food...not weeds...are disappearing faster than Coca Cola from the grocery store. There's so much more, really. Like why high fructose corn syrup ended up in everything. And, all throughout, there is the unmistakable impression that the world and its gifts to humanity is a wild, beautiful miracle, not of the coincidental nature. So, if you like food and a good read, give it a shot. Read the book.

*****

And since I haven't really shared anything of real kitchen-use, I now present you with something so easy...so delicious and decadent...so much better than its mass-produced counterpart...

HOMEMADE KAHLUHA

Ingredients:

Patience (The longer it sits, the better it tastes. After one year, it's heavenly. Plan ahead.)

1 and 2/3 cup vodka (151 proof works best, but whatever.)

1/4 cup brewed coffee (As always, the good organic stuff works best...leave out the Maxwell House.)

4 tsp vanilla extract

3 cups basic (See below for basic recipe. Don't worry; it's easy.)

Mix all the ingredients in a dark, amber colored bottle, cap, and let it sit for as long as you can stand to wait. If you're short on amber bottles, Put the the mixture into a clear bottle, and store in the dark.

Makes a superb White Russian, is great in coffee, or drizzled on ice cream.

Basic Recipe

3 cups white sugar

3 cups brown sugar

3 cups water

Bring to a boil and continue boiling for five minutes. Remove from heat.

***The purity of organic ingredients will significantly improve the taste...especially the sugar and the coffee. And as always, leaving out pesticides, petrochemicals, and additives are better for you, your family, and your guests.***

Family To-Be

2009-11-08T11:08:00.000-05:00

In April my brother will be married and these two smiling faces will officially be a part of my family. Just a few weeks ago, when autumn's leaves were still vibrantly clinging to the branches or carpeting the warm ground, we had some Indian Summer weather. Perfect for playing in piles of leaves and investigating the stream nearby.

The Real Meaning of Resourcefulness

2009-11-07T14:29:00.000-05:00

Resourcefulness. What can be said about it? It's what Saturday is supposed to be all about, on this blog. It's what the past nine months of my life have been all about, really. While I don't have a nice, neat little story to relate and then wrap up with a nice sentimental "moral of the story", I do have some things to say about the last nine months of resourcefulness.

After high school, I jumped right into a guaranteed paycheck and yearly raise with military service. I stuck with that gig for six years, during which I frivolously frittered away the bucket loads of money I was making. Towards the end I made a serious mistake. I enrolled in college, got hooked up with student loans, and saved all the tuition assistance I received from the GI Bill, with plans to use it to pay the loans after graduation. Well, I was honorably discharged in July and dreadfully unemployed until December, right after I graduated. Those six months of unemployment drained every bit of savings from that GI Bill and now my unpaid student loans have gathered $3000 of interest that's been tacked on. That's right...I haven't been able to pay on them regularly for about five years now. That bachelors degree isn't worth a pile of beans. In my last job, it provided me with a whole .02 per hour more than my unschooled coworkers. Wow.

Every now and then, usually after I've just renewed my forebearance, I think to myself "I really wish I would've lived more cheaply and wisely during that unemployed six months. I wish I would have been able to use that money to pay the loans off". I wouldn't have this one financial mess, on top of others, right now.

The next time I found myself unemployed, I was unable to pay my mortgage on my newly purchased house so I moved out and a renter moved in. That was in 2007 and now he can no longer afford to live there either. In a desperate attempt to preserve my credit, I contacted a realtor only to find I'm seriously upside down on the house and have to do something called a "short sale" which leaves me at the mercy of a mortgage company and puts me in a generally unpleasant, stressful situation. Now I just need to find a buyer and we can commence negotiations. What will come of that is still up in the air.

The most recent bout of unemployment saw me cancelling the cable, the netflix, and unplugging the dryer. I sold my car to get out of payments and ceased all purchasing of anything other than food, soapmaking supplies, and spare linens at $1 a piece at Goodwill for my aprons. Meanwhile, my husband is paying all the bills and grabbing parts here and there for the Diesel VW Golf he's rebuilding for me. Obviously, money was very, very tight. And still no employment. Soon after, FEMA rezoned the property my rental house was on and demanded flood insurance...a year's worth right up front.

Then, in a horrible train wreck of a disaster, the unemployment agency informed me that they'd accidently paid me $5500 in benefits that needed to be repaid within 45 days or else a threat of jail time. That unemployment check was groceries. Now that was gone. My mother-in-law saved my precious sanity by loaning me the money to repay the unemployment agency. I'd rather not owe that much to anyone at all, but I'd rather owe it to someone I love, and someone who loves me, rather than the cold, mechanistic government. Plus, I didn't want to go to jail.

So what did I do then? In addition to the dryer, I unplugged EVERYTHING while not in use. I started buying flour and rice in 50 pound bags, and beans in 10 pound bags. No more soda or juice...just bulk tea bags and lots of iced tea or water. We canned the tomatoes from our garden and the corn a friend gave us from his garden. We dried everything else we could in my mother's food dehydrator and stopped buying our weekly treats of imported beer and ice cream once a week. I made cookies instead. We wasted nothing. Every scrap of leftover was eaten, always. (We've eaten A LOT of soup and bread.) All our meat comes from a local organic farm (Fox Hollow Farm) at extremely reasonable prices. The farm offers everything from Filet Mignon to Lamb Kabob meat but I stick with cheapest...ground beef, whole chickens, and eggs. I learned how to use every single piece of meat on a whole chicken. I learned how to plan a menu of 21 meals, using all leftover ingredients for other meals. My shopping lists include only what I need for those 21 meals and that's it. I don't buy conveniance foods. I make them. Crackers, cookies,breakfast bars, ketchup, salad dressings, soup stocks, breads...you name it, I have a recipe for it.

We haven't bought shampoo or conditioner in months. Our backstock of borax and vingegar took their place. (Really, it's not as bad as it sounds. Seems to work better, anyway.) Same thing with cleaning products. I make all of them with these ingredients: vinegar, borax, baking soda, lemons. (EXCEPT, I still buy Barkeepers Friend, the BEST cleaning product ever invented, at less than $1). When my year's supply of contact lenses ran out, I started wearing glasses for the first time in fifteen years. And I started taking every odd job that anyone offered. I've packed moving boxes, cleaned houses, watched cats, bathed dogs, and at the moment I have two custom soap orders, 5 custom apron orders, and one outsourced felted pumpkin project. More cleaning and possibly bread-making projects are also in the works.

It has been overwhelming, exhausting, and stressful to say the least. Nearly a year of this nonsense has proved to be an absurd life situation but at the same time, cannot be dismissed as useless. It seems all throughout the years of tough financial times, I've been being nudged closer and closer to learn the real meaning of resourcefulness. Of course it means sacrificing cable television and that Western conveniance we call entertainment. It means sacrificing a lot, if need be. It means tossing out the American consumer mania mentality and making do with what you have. And it means using what you have wisely. But it's more than that. If the definition stopped there, we may as well make poverty a synonym. But resourcefullness also means innovation, ingenuity, and above all, gratitude and joy. Without those key ingredients, we could never reach the state of mind necessary for contentment and growth.

Nine months have passed since everything started going downhill, but the dust has finally settled enough for me to see a new perspective. The reason I started this blog, and the reason I started selling aprons and soap on my etsy shop, is not just for money. Learning the meaning of resourcefulness...learning to create the innovation and the gratitude... has led me toward what I really want to do with my life. I want a cozy, handmade life and a loving family. I want to make handmade beautiful things for others; and I want to inspire others to recognize the true value of home.

How simple. Part of me thinks...if only I'd known what I wanted from life from the very beginning. But then I think...nah. I would have missed all this....

Making Soap

The Leaves Are But A Memory Now...

2009-11-07T13:00:00.001-05:00

Just a few short weeks ago...

And now...

The Headless Chicken!

2009-11-03T15:17:00.000-05:00

I'm totally supposed to be blogging on a regular schedule and yet, this week I just cannot. But hopefully, dear readers, you'll forgive me. I will get back on schedule soon. I have a friend moving to Costa Rica who SERIOUSLY underestimated the amount of packing she'd have to do and is scrambling to be ready to go on Thursday. I've been helping, or at least trying. Nothing I do seems to make the house appear any emptier though. And then there's my tax classes and the studying. And trying to continue building and improving the etsy shop so I can make some money doing something I love. I need to finish the banner. And I really need to design some labels for my other stuff so I can get it listed. Plus I need ink so I can print them. And a template. And better photos. And then there's the mountains and mountains of paperwork I need to do for my short-sale, assuming there will someday be a sale. And chiropractor and dentist visits. My tooth broke in half the other day. Oh...and I need to order supplies for a custom soap order. And I need to finish the scarf I'm knitting. And watch that video my mom gave me called Excuses Begone! by Wayne Dyer so I can stop making excuses. And I still have all those supplements to sell from when my Mom closed her organic grocery store. Haven't had time to catalog, photgraph, and list them on ebay. Anyone want to buy some supplements? I'm trying to help my sister-in-law-to-be with recipes and efficient food management since she's new to the whole .... what do I call it?.... self-sufficent life? Is that it? Well she's new to cooking. Oh...and there's that felted pumpkin basket I agreed to make on commission for someone who'd heard I was making 5 custom aprons for someone else's holiday gifts, also on commission. I have no idea how to make felted anything. And I'm a little intimidated by the apron project, although very grateful for the opportunity.

I'm not complaining. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Overwhelmed? A little. I haven't even mentioned the insurance mix-up that's costing me almost $1000 (oh, here, I'll just pull it out of my rear). And my phone broke the other day. The 2 and the 6 buttons wouldn't work. Grrrrr. Had to get a new phone.

Man. I need to unclutter my life in a serious way. I'm aware that affirming those things that I don't want only draws them to me that much more, and I'm making a serious effort here to change the way I think about things. This "venting" is the last time I will speak of any of it. I'm professing this to the entire world. Well...all 6 or 8 of you who read this anyway. : )

So...thanks for listening! And soon, I will be back on schedule. Really, I daydream about all the fantastic blog posts I'll write someday. I really do.

Mother Nature vs. The Idiot News Anchors

2009-10-29T12:14:00.000-04:00

This is certainly not what I had in mind for my "mother nature" theme today, but I can't help myself. I think I have some moral obligation to sound the alarm in the face of such frightening public trickery.

As I was sitting in the stuffy waiting room of my chiropractor's office yesterday, I was desperately trying to ignore the audio slings and arrows of the news blaring from the room's tv set. In another life, I worked in a bank which also liked to play news all day, but it's been quite some time since I've actually subjected myself to that nonsense voluntarily. It's not good for my heart, my smile, or my disposition so I'd just assume avoid it. However, in yesterday's situation, ignoring the idiot news anchor airing another version of this story was impossible.

I know, it's not the news anchor's fault. But then again, it seems to me that anyone with half a brain would refuse to work in a position that spreads lies and ignites fear for the sheer profitability of it.

Sooooo....now "scientists" have proved that sugar does not, in fact, cause hyer-activity in children. If they become hyper on Halloween, (according to Miss-Reports-Lies-As-Truth-News-Anchor) it's because they're just excited. OOOhhhhh. Well that makes sense. Okay. They can go ahead and eat as much as they want then. No consequences.

Does anyone remember a little book called Sugar Blues by William Dufty? It's a little dated...released in 1975...but quite skillfully demonstrates the link between refined sugar and depression in adults. Okay, the book is old. Forget about William Dufty. The average American consumes 135 pounds of sugar per year. About 120 years ago, the estimate was 5 pounds per person. Seeing as we don't live in vacuums, our bodies don't function in vacuums, and everything affects everything in a dynamic world, I think it's safe to say that this increase in sugar consumption has had and is having some affect on human beings.

A simple lesson on how sugar affects the body:

Sugar raises insulin levels and more importantly, depresses the immune system. How? Vitamin C is needed by white blood cells to phagocytize viruses and bacteria. Glucose (sugar) and Vitamin C have similar chemical structures so when sugar levels go up, they compete to enter the white blood cells. Naturally, whichever there is more of will win. As I'm sure you can guess, the modern American diet has more sugar than Vitamin C and to add insult to injury, because sugar has no inherent mineral or vitamin content, it draws upon your body's micro-nutrient stores in order to be metabolized. If your diet is poor enough or you eat enough sugar to tap those reserves, your body starts having trouble metabolizing cholesterol and fatty acids, causing obesity, among other undesirable things. I won't even go into the havoc it wreaks on the endocrine system.

The American Dietetic Assosiation and The American Diabetic Association hold sugar consumption responsible as one of the three top causes of degenerative disease. And we all know of the dental horrors sugar can cause.

Honestly, I could go on and on about the dangers of sugar. Many researchers and scientists have. I don't need to. The bottom line is...and I'm going to be honest here...kids are much more hyperactive than they ever were. Telling parents it's okay to feed them sugar because that's not the cause, is not solving the problem. If anything, it's encouraging them to ignore it because no one else has solved it yet.

I'm sure many of you have darling, angel children that aren't hyper at all. But my mother-in-law is an elementary school teacher nearing retirement age. I've heard the stories and I've witnessed myself how the delicate brains of children seem to be changing. Behavior is uncontrollable, comprehension is down...and it's a lot more prevalent in today's children than it was 20 years ago. We all understand that many factors affect this, from family values, public schooling exposure, to diet (other than sugar), but although we can't single out one factor, as many would like to in order to make the problem more solveable, we can approach each aspect one at a time, and realize, like the intelligent humans we claim to be, that everything is affected by everything else. We cannot isolate the affects of one family's values to just their children. The entire family has contact with the rest of the world which will inevitably produce changes, good or bad.

We cannot isolate the affects of sugar in a child's body to just their sugar levels. The human body is an absolutely spectacular feat of engineering in which all systems and organs depend on the others. And that very concept is again reflected on all micro and macro levels of natural existence.

Linear thought models have us all lap trained to isolate concepts as we study them. We dissect the natural world to learn about it in easy to understand modules, but in doing so, we will always fail to recognize the dynamic relationships that occur between ideas and living organisms because if you really search your own soul, you will feel the truth in your heart. All human beings know that the world and all its inhabitants, great and small, can only be understood in relation to each other.

Mother nature is indeed wonderful and has so much to give when she is loved.

So to return to the sugar...I'm not demonizing it. I have a sweet tooth the same as anyone else. But don't listen to the idiot news anchors when they regurgitate skewed data designed to keep us all hooked on pharmaceuticals!!!!!!

That is all.

Have a great day everyone. And please be sure to visit my new etsy shop (seen in the side margin). Thank you!!!!! And tell your friends please. : )

Only 5 Minutes A Day For Fresh Bread

2009-10-27T20:22:00.000-04:00

Today has been so busy, I barely remembered today was "The Kitchen" theme for the blog. Although there's a lot going on that I'd love to be blogging about, I just don't have the time so this will have to suffice.

From the moment I saw this article/recipe in Mother Earth News, I knew it would change my life. And believe me, it has. Being new to the hand-made life scene, I'd never baked a loaf of bread in my life. I bake 2 loaves a week now. If I had a bigger family, I could realistically be baking one every day.

So there you are. If any of you brave souls decide to give it a try, let me know what you think. And if you're bummed because you don't have a baking stone, you can cheat and use a baking sheet instead, although it won't bake quite the same way.

I know, this post is so abrupt and my writing skills have gotten rusty the past few months. I feel so boring. I need to get back into the groove...

Happy Baking Everyone!!

A Man Is But The Product Of His Thoughts...

2009-10-25T12:18:00.003-04:00

Just a short while ago, I revisited an old childhood favorite...The Little House On The Prairie series by Laura Ingalls Wilder. I'd forgotten that reading something written so simply could bring me so much happiness. The books allowed me to relearn the lessons I'd been taught as a child and then forgotten in all the rushing and changing that's been going on since I was 15.

This is what struck me most about the lives of the Ingalls. Through thick and thin, Laura's family stuck together. Through several difficult cross-country moves, Indian home invasions, prairie fires, chimney fires, locust plagues, disastrous debts, and blizzards, they remained a very tight-knit, loving family. Never fought, never complained, and always made the best of a rotten situation. Even as they all nearly starved to death in the long winter of 1880 they made do and survived by never letting themselves fall into despair.

When Laura was 15 years old she received her teaching certificate and traveled to a nearby settlement to teach school for a semester. She was boarded by the school superintendent, Mr. Brewster, and his spiteful, angry wife who resented the move from the east to the prairie. She kept a dirty house, let her baby cry for hours without noticing, and wouldn't even respond to Laura's repeated attempts at politeness. When Laura tried to make pleasant conversation as she helped the woman prepare dinner, she'd simply ignore Laura as if she hadn't spoken. In the mornings when Laura would rise and greet her with a smile and a "good morning", she'd get no response. In a moment of epiphany, I read the words "Laura had never realized it took two people to make a smile".

When she finally returned home, she asked her sister Carrie if she'd ever thought how lucky they all were to be living in such a nice home with a nice family. Carrie answered, no, she hadn't thought of it. To which Laura responded, "Just wait until you leave home. Then you'll see."

Not that their home was in any way extravagant or built more richly than anyone else's. During those years, their homestead house was a mere claim shanty, but it was always cozy and always neat and clean. Small touches here and there, like the gingham red tablecloth and their Ma's china shepherdess lent whatever house they were living in, a warm, cozy feeling. Even the mud house built into the bank of Plum Creek was kept as clean as it could be with a dirt floor. Laura's Pa sang a happy tune about sunflowers whenever they found themselves in bad times and his fiddle was always ready to lift their spirits or celebrate some good fortune. Before Laura left home, she hadn't realized that all this was done deliberately, and with effort, in order to make a better home and a better life for the whole family.

I couldn't help but hold myself up to this new-found standard. So many times, as I've met with ill fortune, I've let my smile go. I've complained and struggled and I've forgotten to remember that the things for which I have to be grateful, far out-numer the things which suck. Plain and simple. It seems second nature to seek out cheerful people when I'm less than cheerful, myself. But it does, indeed, take two people to make a smile and it's unfair of me to expect anyone to shoulder all the responsibility of cheering me up. Positive thinking has been pushed to forefront of new age philosophy these days but back then during the homestead rush, new age wasn't even an inkling of a thought yet. Ma and Pa Ingalls were wise. Whether they stumbled upon that way of living on accident or were just raised that way, the fact remains that their resilient, can-do attitudes got them all through some sticky situations that others may have not survived. What is just a childhood story for some was a revelation to me, and a confirmation of what I'd always expected...attitude is everything.

There's a lot more that can be said on the matter, but I've promised you as well as myself to keep my posts short and sweet this time around. I need to be getting up and out to spruce up my for-sale rental today in hopes that someone will come along and snatch it up quickly. I'm hoping for a miracle. And I'll be smiling and softly singing to myself because a light heart really does make life better.

"Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; love more and all good things will be yours."

~Swedish Proverb~

The Story of Corabela, Continued

2009-10-24T14:00:00.002-04:00

There once was a time before careers, cell phones, and Walmart when home was a very special place. Going back to pioneer days and before, home was everything to most families. It was shelter, of course, but more than that, nearly everything a family needed was made right at home, from maple sugar to clothing to potatoes. Most everything was handmade, hand-stitched, and handpicked with love and unfortunately, the exceptional craftsmanship of those days is, for the most part, rare as rocking-horse manure. Most American homes are filled with mass-produced Chinese goods that just don't quite feel the same as something crafted individually, with care and happy thoughts.

Back in those tough pioneer days life was all about housework: cooking, baking, churning, smoking, drying, sewing, washing, ironing, and weaving. Even planting and harvesting, milking and shearing, logging and building. All the work directly supported the home and the home supported the family. These days, life isn't always as physically demanding but many families have become financially entangled enough that the choice is gone and both the husband and the wife have to leave the home to work to support a house. So what's the difference between a home and a house?

If both caretakers of the home are away all day, every day, a home may sadly eventually lapse back into being just a house. Those iconical aproned homemakers of the 1950's surely understood this. But when all their hard work went unappreciated and became expected rather than valued, the liberation of the 1960's had them all ripping off the bras and throwing down their aprons in a struggle to be recognized as equal.

Well, we've gained a lot of ground ladies. Our Great-Great -Grandmothers would be proud. But now the laundry and the dishes are piling up, the kids are eating boxed sugar-coated variations of soy, corn, and wheat pumped up with MSG, and the house is full of cheap Chinese crap that falls apart in two years. You might have a job, but that doesn't relieve you of your duties of mothering and housekeeping, (unless you can afford a nanny and a maid). After a full day of waiting tables, running the company, or negotiating peace talks, your family is still at home in need of healthy meals, a safe refuge from daily stress, and a loving connection. And so many times, because it's so incredibly overwhelming to juggle the demands of having a job, being a mother, a wife, and whatever else you've volunteered for, many of us forget that we also need healthy meals, a comfortable place to unwind, and loving connections. Then we wind up literally sick and tired.

While that sort of life feels wrong to me, every situation is unique and it may really work for some families. But it won't work for me. Now I'm not suggesting to all the women reading this that we should burn our business casuals and quit our jobs. (Not the wisest move.) I'm simply pointing out that although we've gained ground as equals and made significant technological advances in manufacturing and business, we've really suffered some losses, and I don't need to list them all. I'm sure you have your own list. So what do we do?

Well, it was that quandary that led me to fall madly in love with that blue apron. Many apron-wearing women of the past suffered some hard times but to look at the bright cheery colors and the little decorative touches, you wouldn't know it. Those women were strong and resourceful and they knew the true value of making lemonade when the lemons rolled in. They understood the interconnected importance of every task they did, and even if it wasn't done gladly, it was done with loving hands.

That blue apron symbolized everything I wanted: freedom from the airs of corporate culture, freedom to be real and true; a deep, abiding resourcefulness; gentle kindness and wisdom; self-reliance; simplicity; and even creativity. Not to mention yummy things from the kitchen.

When I tied on that blue apron, I felt a tug on my heart-strings...the joyful, teary relief of finally finding your place in the word, after the longest, hardest search. It felt like coming home. So this is my cause. And I hope to inspire by living my dream. Maybe I'll still need a “job” and maybe I won't. Maybe life won't always be perfect but I'm sure it will be sometimes. My dream is to return to the strong, resourceful roots of my fore-mothers and reclaim that ability to always smile, always make the best of everything, and return to the richness of home, no matter what it takes.

I make my aprons to keep the dream alive.

The Story of Corabela

2009-10-23T19:24:00.000-04:00

Harken back to a time before all this nonsense of th 21st century.

Does anyone really say "harken" anymore?

Sure, I love my dishwasher...I mean really love it. And I enjoy wireless internet which lets me bring my laptop out to my hammock on the porch. I don't know where I'd be without a hot shower and google has made all our lives so much easier. But the rest? I could take it or leave it. Maybe with the exception of the washing machine.

One thing I would definitely toss out with the trash is how everything from health care to real estate to taxes, is now so complicated, the average joe needs about 4 hours to research and consult all friends and available experts to understand anything well enough to make an informed decision about anything. But I'm not here to complain; that's not my job. What is my job? Well, after a few hard years of living “out there” int the cruel and complex world, I found myself jobless, penniless, and without purpose. It was then, in a local Goodwill outlet, that I finally found the light.

My mother and I were combing the racks for deals when I saw a bright blue and plaid little explosion of color float by in the arms of a rather burly looking man. Shamelessly, I followed him, as if in a trance. After a few laps around the store, as fate herself had come to visit, Mr. Burly gingerly hung the item on a rack. Hallelujah! He was stocking, not shopping! I approached slowly...with reverence, but I didn't know why. I heard angels start to sing, but I couldn't figure out what they might be heralding. Carefully, I plucked the item from the rack, still unsure of what exactly it was. A skirt, maybe? As I delicately removed it from the hangar, long strips of plaid fell to each side and a bright turquoise pocket lined in snow white edging revealed itself. I held it up to the light and my heart raced. But I was confused...it was a handmade apron. And I was falling hopelessly and madly in love with it as I stood there.

I'd never owned or even worn an apron, much less thought about one. Aprons were simply outside the sphere of my awareness, and yet there I stood, heart racing, silly tears welling up inexplicably. The previous months had seen me aimlessly wandering through life, wondering “What do I do now? What is my purpose?” My poor husband didn't know what to do with me. I wasn't finding fulfillment with anything. Jobs just left me feeling like a prostitute selling my lifeblood and dignity. Something was obviously missing from my life but I didn't know what it was. All I knew was that when I found it, I would know, deep down in my bones. And in the days that followed my apron discovery, I began to realize I'd found purpose.

As I was holding up the apron, listening to the invisible angels sing, my mother spied the flash of blue from across the room and asked “What! Is! That!?” with a sparkle in her eye. “It's an apron that's handmade” I answered, “and I'm falling in love with it.” Her face took on that “Lucy Ricardo-cooking-up-a-scheme” look and she burst out with “I know! You can make aprons and sell them!” I'd been desperate to find a way to make some income. As we both stood there feeling the smoothness of the fabric and admiring the apron, I contemplated making aprons. There was just one problem. I didn't know how to sew.

As I'm sure many of you know, when a dream is strong and true enough, you'll do whatever it takes to make that dream come true. So my mother copied the pattern from the original (which we, of course, bought), and she taught me to use my sewing machine that had been collecting dust in the attic since she gave it to me for Christmas six years prior. Together we sewed my first apron. Sure, the seams meander a little at times, but that first apron is the first big thing I've cared enough about to finish in my life. I've been known to change hobbies like underwear but the aprons just felt important to me. The dream stayed with me, night and day, and I found myself happy for the first time in months. My heart glowed with love and renewed purpose and I decided to brand my aprons after my Great-Great Grandmother, Corabela.

My Grandmother tells me she'd be happy to know I'm making aprons in her memory . She was a resourceful farm woman who made aprons, curtains, and everything else by hand. When she needed help making ends meet, she transformed feed sacks into beautiful, delicate doilies and sold them. So it is in the spirit of my Great-Great Grandmother along with Laura Ingalls Wilder and all the other strong, resourceful women of history, that I now strive to live. I'm learning skills at age 30 that most girls of the past started learning at age 5, but I'm on the right path and it feels good.

I'm learning to sew, making handcrafted soap, my husband and I are learning to can and preserve our garden bounty, and we're both learning new crafts. When I first embarked upon this “crafting” journey of sorts, I was disappointed and discouraged that all the craft magazines wanted me to go out and buy a lot of materials to make some crafts that were, honestly, impractical clutter. Not only was that not financially possible, it was also unnecessary, as we have so many extra and unused “things” just lying around. I wanted to create but I wanted to do it cheaply and efficiently so I learned to make pastiche candles from the wax I'd saved from old candles. I made custom markable storage containers with leftover chalkboard paint and old salsa jars. And the aprons? They're made from scraps, pillowcases, and mens' button-down shirts...whatever I happen to have around. My paintings are made on old, unwanted canvases or pictures and everything I make has some element of re-purpose or re-use. I believe the current buzzwords for these are “green”, “reclaimed”, and “recycled”. I call it smart use of resources. There's no need to waste, especially when you can't afford to.

But enough about that. I'd like to tell you a little bit about why I fell in love with aprons in the first place and about why, after years of not creating anything, I was suddenly full of a desire to get in touch with the spirit of my fore-mothers and start “making” a life and a home for myself and my husband.

Tune in tomorrow...